Sunday, June 18, 2006
Dear Diary,
ZOMG Guess whos back? Back again? Pek is BACK! Tell a friend ^^ After 4 long months finally an entry. Sorry to keep you guys waiting so long, army life =.=
Some more every time I come home I just dont have to mood to sit down and think of what I want to write. Time out of camp is precious! Ok where was I....
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So I realise that I could see the end of this relationship.
I know that we're done
I know that we're through
But I just can't seem
To let go of you
It's when I miss you
When I start to cry
That I sit here thinking
And wondering why
Why did you leave me
You promised forever
You told me that we'd
Always be together
Where did I go wrong
And what did I do
To make it like this
To make me lose you
Tears on my face...
Was I just not enough
I tried to be perfect
Was that not enough
And I hate missing you
I hate that I cry
I hate that I want
To break down and die
And nobody knows this
Nobody can see
The pain that I feel
Deep inside me
But the worst part is
You'll never know
About these tears
I refuse to show
You go on with your life
With words unspoken
Not knowing your the reason...
My poor heart is broken.
How true. I didnt really express my concerns about all these emo emo stuff to her or anyone else. School was school as usual, talk with friends normally, study as per normal. Just like an apple, you never know that its rotten till you take a bite or cut it up.
Its Secondary 3 already. New class, New classmates, New teachers, Old memories. I was wondering whether I should end it or should I just drag along and see how it goes. Ultimately I chose the latter. But how was I to know? I was young, most of the time the emphasis is on what I want. Me me and me, I want her to be with me but maybe I should have at least considered whether she felt the same way. Plus I think I reached a dead end, so what if she continues to stay with me? What will happen nxt? Will her feelings for me get stronger?
That by the way was too complicated for my underdeveloped 15 year old mind.
Then what am I doing then? I dont really know. How was I suppose to know. Let say I tell ppl that my relationship with her is turning sour. Such juicy news will spread like wild fire and within hours and she would have known it. My repuation would drop like hot cookies. Sometimes I think to myself that it wasnt my fault, she was the one that was losing interest in me, not the otherway around. How foolish of me.
Ya ok I only care about myself, yes I know that now.
How could it be her fault anyways, I was the one that neglected her. I didnt make her feel safe and secure with me, I didnt make her feel happy with me. If I had done all that, then she wont have such negative thoughts right? *slaps myself.
Such parasitic thoughts stuck in my mind all the way till march holidays. Seeing her after school, even sending her to the bus stop became a drag. WTF am I doing man, I was so dumb. TALK TO HER FOR GODSAKE! IF YOU DONT DO ANYTHING, NOTHING WILL EVER HAPPEN YOU DUMBFUCK!. *ahem This is me scolding myself. If I could travel back in time I would have seriously kicked myself right there and then.
Sadly we all know that is impossible. Oh well, Just like the Song "I Hope you dance"
Theres this sentence in the lyrics that says "God forbid Love ever leaves you empty handed" Guess I learnt quite alot.
Then I got to know my new Classmate ^^ female of course. That was when I started to wonder. Maybe there are better girls out there for me? Maybe I should start looking for other options ya? Thoughts of jumping ship clouded my mind. How selfish. Then again, everyone is searching to love and be loved, everyone wants a special someone to care for and be cared for. In the end, is it really selfish and self centered? Maybe. On the other hand, how the fuck do I know all this emo stuff back then.
Every batch of Sec 3 will have a level camp. I assure u, If I were to count the days, Me and Chrystal's relationship can only last about 8 days more...
Does it matter if I knew the days left? Till now I still do not know.
Till nxt time guys!
Shut the Fuck up And listen -6:40 AM
